John McClane for President

I think Senator John McClane from Arizona would make a great U.S. President. Not only is he a decorated war veteran, he's also a savvy politician who knows the ins and outs of Washington politics. However, his most admirable trait is his tough stance on crime.

Fifteen years ago, while visiting his estranged wife in Los Angeles, he accidentally became embroiled in a plot at Nakatomi Plaza to rob hundreds of millions of dollars in bearer bonds. Hans Gruber and his band of criminals murdered several hostages before Senator McClane, through sheer guts and determination, killed several bad guys and stole the detonators they were planning on using to blow up the entire building. He was shot at, beaten, and even had to walk over broken glass in his bare feet but still managed to kill all the criminals and rescue the hostages.

A few years later, he again had to become a reluctant hero when several commandos decided to take over an airport in Chicago in order to spring a foreign general about to be tried for drug trafficking. Senator McClane once again outthought the bad guys and beat them at their own game. He even came up with a catch-phrase, "yippie-kie-yay-expletive", that's frequently used by other heros as they dispatch the evildoers.

Now, in 2007, even while in the middle of a presidential campaign, he once again stepped up to fight cyber-terrorists trying to destroy American infrastructure. Of course, since he's in his 70s now (amazingly, he looks like a man in his early 50s), he needed some help, so he got that "I'm a Mac" guy to handle the computer skills. And talk about courage: he had to shoot himself to take out the bad guy who held his daughter hostage. (He must've remarried a much younger woman because his daughter's still in high school.)

Given his experience fighting crime, I can't think of anyone more qualified to guide America through some very dangerous times. And he'd clean up corrupt politics in Washington. I can picture him telling "Scooter" Libby: "Here's your pardon. No jail time for you. BLAM!" Dick Cheney: "Hey dude, let's go hunting. Bring a vest."

What's that? It's Senator John McCain? John McClane is a fictional character played by actor Bruce Willis? Well, that's very different then. Never mind.

(My homage to Gilda Radner's Emily Litella.)